🔗 You are the center of concentric circles, Mark Dykeman

It’s another one of those Dunbar posts, the concentric circles are so random that I was reduced to asking ChatGPT ..

“What is the difference between a friend, good friends, best friends and close friends?

A less than satisfactory answer, though it did seem to agree with me (and the author) that a ‘Best Friend’ is closer than a ‘Close Friend’. Other than that? Yeah - no.

And the numbers

• 5 close/best friends
  
• 10 more best / close friends
  
• 35 more good friends
  

Why did he bother writing the piece? Why have I bothered commenting on it?

@JohnPhilpin I don't know but your post inspired me to write this: anniemueller.com/posts/rel...

@Annie oh wow - so an uninspiring post that lead to another uninspiring post that basically claimed that the first uninspiring post was - well uninspiring - actually inspired an inspirational post. Now how good is that!

Interesting that you arrived at the concentric circles without bothering with the Dunbar bit. And I don’t disagree with your premise. We can't give everyone the same - so totally makes sense. Love it - including Cigarette. I think I have heard a little of his stuff this year somehow - most definitely a talent - with soul.

Back to the circles. I think of the circles a little differently. Akin in some way to why task management doesn’t work UNLESS your task management is time bound.

Here is the giant list of things - this is how long I expect each to take - map them into a calendar where all your other time commitments sit - to arrive at a realistic understanding of what can really be done.

The Circles?

I will choose simple (rounded) numbers - for napkin analysis - if it resonates, use your own specifics. And my maths might be off - but I hope you get the drift.

In a year I can only allocate 9,000 hours

I will sleep for 30% of that time I will work for 25% of that time I will commute for 5% of that time I will eat, shower and apply good personal hygiene so I can bond with others for 5% of that time

I am left with 2,700 hours

I need to dedicate 1 hour per day to me time I need to dedicate 2 hours per day to my kids

I am now left with 1,500 hours

My inner circle has just 4 people in it

If i devote 5 hours per week (that sounds a lot - but is only 1/3 of what I have committed to children) to each - that will use up 5 * 4 * 52 = 1,040 hours.

I now have just 500 hours - 2 hours per day to distribute across all other friend levels.

Is it any wonder that we feel bad?

And 150 ... you are kidding - right?

There's another separate line of thinking I have that is

1) around male and female biases 2) where you are geographically - compared to those friends. 2.1) if your 'best friend' lives on the other side of the world are they still your best friend. If they are, then time is not a measure of 'friend quality'.

Over and out.

For now :-)

@JohnPhilpin @Annie both of your posts reminded me of this classic Wait-But-Why blog post: The tail end

@JohnPhilpin love these thoughts. years ago I came across Laura Vanderkam, whose book 168 Hours (https://lauravanderkam.com/books/168-hours/) is basically this math: e.g. you have 168 hours each week, no more, no less. How do you want to allocate those hours? That book has had a huge impact on how I think about time, kind of forced me to reckon with my own limits. You can be super efficient / focused / productive / have all the tools / the best workflow / etc. You still get those same hours, so choose wisely how you spend them.

would love to hear your thinking on the last couple points too.

personally I think of both my "inner circle" and "arena people" as best friends, but the arena people are a bit 'retired' -- through geographic change or life adjustments or whatnot, we're no longer interacting on a regular basis, but still maintain a connection that's important and true. Time together is definitely a factor in closeness, though not the only one, I'd say ​

@stupendousman Oh that is SUCH a good blog post.

@Annie I really like how you did this and appreciated your definition. Also love that you start with yourself and include literally everyone else. Makes me want to think about a Buddhist interpretation…

@jthingelstad thanks! I would to read a Buddhist interpretation, hope you’ll do that