I wake up with guilt, shame, regret. My shakes are back. Praying, writing another letter, praying.
@aa I can see/read you're going through a lot right now. Just checking: Do you have someone (friend, therapist, etc.) you can talk to about this stuff in real life?
@joshuapsteele I do, I have a handful of friends that are aware and are encouraging me, two pastors that I've reached out to, one of which I'm getting coffee with on Tuesday and will hopefully establish a regular check-in schedule. Appointment with a therapist is scheduled for his first available, Christmas Eve at noon. I scheduled bi-weekly with him for January and February. He's who Lindsay and I went to at the end of it all back in 2021, if I would have had an open heart things may have turned out differently, but things have happened according to a plan, of that I am sure. I'm also able to share some things with Lindsay, though I do guard some (she's aware) because I don't want to overwhelm her with everything...she's been incredible to talk with, now that I am finally being honest. She's aware that a dam has been opened in my heart and mind and everything is happening all at once. When I'm alone though, these thoughts and feelings are torture. I have never cried so much in my life. Sorry for such a long response. Head is full of a lot.
@joshuapsteele actually, as it turns out, therapist had a cancellation so I just scheduled for 11/6. Also reading through a few books that I was given way back when but thought I didn't need. They are helpful as-well. Prayer, Bible verses are popping into my head throughout the day.